Lennie develops on the night of the lunar eclipse

The blank Polaroid lay flat on the table. "Shake it! Shake it!" I said excitedly.

"No! That's the wrong way," said Rach. "You'll mix all the colours up." Tickled by the cleverness of the sentence in her head, Rach grinned and said, "Let's watch Lennie develop."

( |o }===:::

At times, the imposing nature of age—that always increasing, never decreasing number—gets the better of me. Almost. It is as if I were a subject strapped onto a sterile metal table in a lab, society and all her expectations giving me a curt, disdainful glance before proceeding with the mandatory exam.

Married? No.
Attached? No.
Car? Second-hand; purchased this year.
House? Parents'.
Income? Err... it's complicated.
Career success? Blank.
Goals? Blank.
Spiritual health?
Relationships?

And so they prod before the morphine kicks in and I am dreaming again that I am singing and playing in front of an audience, their monotonous queries fading into the background.

( |o }===:::

The office celebrated the August babies today, in what must have been a stroke of numerical genius in my favour. There were four candles side-by-side on the cake, and I had trouble blowing mine out without killing someone else's lifeline. You'd think that perhaps, one would get better at blowing out candles as they grow older, but no, that's simply not true. Your puff of candle-blowing power decreases from a developing bad posture, your accuracy suffers from neckache and your reluctance to answer to the call of a higher integer means that you need to try at least three times before you 'succeed', thus inadvertently prolonging the moment of symbolic aging in the spotlight.

( |o }===:::

I once bought a book at a warehouse sale that was about a white explorer who had been caught by the natives in some far-off land. As I don't remember the details, we shall imagine that they were bloodthirsty cannibals who hissed, snarled and sucked their ulcers dry at the chance to taste this exotic white meat. Did it taste like chicken? Or did it taste like the stillborns, only perhaps less tender (and much hairier)? While they danced around the fire and lowered him into the gigantic charcoaled pot, he suddenly remembered a piece of news he'd read a few weeks before embarking on this suicide mission. It had said that on this exact date, there would be a total solar eclipse happening in the region he was in. Battling fear and a semi-conscious urge to crap his pants, he cried out to the translator (for how else would the locals know what he was saying?) and the people: "WAIT!"

The croak came out dry, bouncing off the skin of the pounding drums and an earth that roared under the soles of hungry warriors. Again:

"WAAIIIIIIIIIITTT!"

The celebratory march stopped. Cold eyes peered at him, spears lifted. Warily, the white explorer gazed for a hint of hope in the sky—and there it was. A sliver. Pacman nibbling into the sun. Pointing to it, he put on his best imitation of God and said, "I will kill the sun."

Needless to say, the white explorer lived to tell the story.

( |o }===:::

If you didn't already know, a total lunar eclipse happened today. Rach called it a 'happy birthday present to you from God' as we watched it live over the Discovery Channel website while engaging in collective oohs and aaahs. Sure, it was cool, very cool in fact, but a more meaningful 'present' were some simple acts of care showed by thoughtful friends. Overall, it was a very nice birthday, and a possible reminder to a weary cynic of 'churchese' that God cares. So thanks to you guys who rock so well.

"Lennie develops, 2007"

Polaroid: RM3.50. Company: Priceless. Line: So corny

Lina Joy

Triumphant shouts of "Allahu Akhbar"—meaning, God is great—greeted the landmark ruling passed today in Malaysia's highest court. Since 7.30am, 300-odd Muslim supporters from 80 different Islamic bodies had begun joining the concerned and the curious outside the courthouse. Whatever the court's decision (and there were only two possible outcomes), they must have rehearsed their reactions the night before in their heads. Which is why a few hours later, in a 2-1 majority decision (two Muslim judges; one non-Muslim), the Federal Court announced their rejection of Lina Joy's appeal to drop the word 'Islam' from her IC, and spontaneously, unanimously, the circumcised crowd roared.

This Big Issue sets a precedent for future religious-based rulings. It will confirm, to an extent, a nagging suspicion that has bugged our national conscience: How much of an Islamic country is Malaysia? Can citizens still believe in the freedom of religion granted under Article 11 of the Federal Constitution, or is the Syariah Court sneaking up to devour any delusions Malaysians, particularly the minority, have concerning our religious freedom? Pertinent questions to a country that is rumoured to face the voting booths later this year.

My initial thoughts on this case are rather convoluted (which pretty much reflects the state of my mind most of the time). I don't know nuts about the law, and I don't hardly read the papers.

Even if I were to spew my thoughts, and in the process spring-clean my brain, they'd probably just echo popular sentiment. Some examples include:

• There's no hope for Malaysia. We're doomed. The system favours Islam, Muslims and on a lighter note, mamaks (who are Muslim).
• This case really demonstrates how the Federal Court is allowing itself, via the powers that be inside it, to be shackled by the Syariah Court. The recent string on conversion cases show how they conveniently pass the bucket—and their responsibility to uphold justice—to the Syariah courts who greedily lap up their growing power. (Yes I am being judgmental here.)
• Perhaps Malaysians surely couldn't have expected any or both of the Muslim judges presiding the case to say yes to Joy. With Lina's Muslim lawyer getting death threats in the past, such a liberal judge would have had his Merc bombed the moment he stepped into it; his family destroyed.
• It seems like Barisan now wants to attract more Muslim voters compared to non-Muslims.
• If the Church in Malaysia had come together and fervently prayed for the issue, would the decision have been any different?

(Cue commercial break)

As it is very late and I'm tired (tonight and yesterday, I left work at 12.40am and 10.45pm respectively), and also because I had an Angkor (not Anchor) beer courtesy of Rachel and her recent adventures in Cambodia, I will rush on and merely state that with each passing year, I'm becoming more pessimistic about the country I was born in and now reside, and her future. With alternative news sources booming, the rose-tinted image of Malaysia I held as a kid has shrivelled up and died. I read of corruption, nepotism, greed, injustice. Politics is a shit-smeared undergarment that is never washed.

With troubles all around, let's go back to the Lina Joy case. The demerits of the court's decision are obvious to the minority and especially to Lina Joy herself. Ultimately however, what matters is that Joy has the freedom to choose her God in her heart. At the very least, that's something no one can take away.

Why God Likes Some People

Let me first state that whatever follows is theoretical, not theological. A mere hypothesis based on personal experiences, expounded to a supernatural being called God. It is an observation, a feeling, a thought; nothing that should deserve more than a minute of contemplation. It is not stuff you should teach kids in Sunday School.

After trying hard to find company for lunch and failing (and subsequently chomping down half a slice of chocolate cake in a quiet cafe alone, where I read the first chapter of Bill Bryson's 'A Short History of Nearly Everything'), my initial thoughts suggest that God likes certain people more because they're there for Him when He's bored, or wants company, or wants to talk to someone. (In churchy terms we'd say "when God wants to fellowship with man". See? Not so deviant after all.)

We (or at least I) often forget that we were created because God wanted to fellowship with us. On second thought, let's ban the word 'fellowship'—it's cold, meaningless and archaic. If I remember correctly, God thought it'd be a good idea to create something to share in the beauty of His creation (imagine vast sunrises, sunsets, early mist, dewdrops, fresh air, a moose sticking his moist nuzzle in your hand, etc). And after He created the first humans, He was like, "Whoa! That's wayyy brilliant!"

Of course, even the most bang-up ideas fail once in a while, and for some reason, the human project failed. (Whether God foreknew it'd be a failure and why He chose to go on with the idea is another issue for another post, but I shall just quote the theologically-acceptable answer that of course God knew what would happen cos He's all-knowing, yet He still decided to go on with it because He believed in humans, our potential for love and returning love, His own provision of grace, yadda yadda yadda.) But wait! Back to our original perception that the human project failed. It really depends on how you look at it, and I guess God Himself figured we were not beyond redemption, and thus, it wasn't a 'failure' per se.

(I'm not God; if you want the real answers, go ask Him when you get to heaven.)

Now let me try to come back to my original dissertation: that God likes certain human beings more than others because they take time out of their busy schedules on earth to listen to Him, and treat Him as God, a Supreme Being, the Owner of All This, the Landlord, the Boss, the Father. In my extremely myopic view I have chosen to ignore Him for the past few weeks and months especially; tried to blind myself to any image of God. Why? Because sometimes I'd like some time out to try and figure things out on my own; to discover; to space out. Does that mean God has liked me less these past few weeks? "No lah, stop crapping! God loves everyone!" is what some good Christian brothers and sisters may say. Hey, I know that. I'm just saying, I wouldn't be at all surprised if God liked some people more for the reason that they treat Him like a proper friend. And especially, when it's inconvenient.

Joanna, 'Gift of God'

Here are the first pics I'm posting of my niece Joanna. She's almost a year old in these pics (taken in January), but she's now really one year, one month and one week. Rock on, baby. (Btw, that's my sister next to her.)

United & Mosquito Bites

I apologise for not writing. Not that anyone reads what I write here anyway. Oh well, hell.

So I've started a new job. It requires much multi-tasking, as it's a small company and you tend to dip your feet in this and that. Or maybe it's like swimming in a pool of Paddlepop colours. Yes, work's been taking up a lot of my time.

But I did manage to catch United's concert last Friday. It was GREAT!! That sorta upped my spiritual life a bit; the music was great, much better than PS. The buffed-up guitarist has the loveliest clear voice. The bassist was this cool understated dude with a freaking ugly shirt. His bass solo, leading up to Amazing Grace, was da bomb. All in all, it was a nice experience worshipping with the United team. I just wonder if they're gonna stop dressing so emo... the tight jeans and shirt ain't exactly sightly.

Then last weekend, I attended my youth's Core Group Planning Retreat. It's my last year as a Core Superviser, so I still got to attend for free. Muahaha. It was a good break even though I'd only started work recently. Despite the many mosquito bites that continue to plague me with a terrible itch, I've come away from Bukit Tinggi more refreshed and spiritually encouraged. Thanks to all Core Leaders for the fun time! (Not that any of you read my blog anyway.)

Okies... work calls. It leaves me tired and sleepy, but it's work. I'm looking forward to my first pay cheque since too long ago.

The Holiest Bug

Just yesterday, after talking to someone about prayer, I saw this praying mantis perched on my parents' room door. Quickly, I grabbed my camera and shooed it into another room, where I snapped its mug. Then it flew away... to the fluorescent light, to be exact. Ugh, I just realised my camera looks even sicker...

Pray without ceasing... 1 Thes. 5:17

Hungry

It's been a while since I've hungered after God. Activities have taken precedence; the demands of my job and the transitions I'm going through have distracted me from the real business of my life. Isn't that what most people say anyway? I'm beginning to think that busyness is really just an excuse the church has come to accept as a valid temporary reason. We hide behind this excuse when in actual fact we've been plain lazy, distracted or doing things and thinking thoughts we know we shouldn't have. In other words, we're in hiding.

Confrontations with God i.e. Dealing with Sin sucks because you're always wrong. Who likes being wrong all the time? Thus we postpone our appointment, our hearing in court to a later date. Sometimes we wait till we feel really guilty and convicted, so that we know we meant saying sorry. It's harder when this brokenness takes ages to come.

Hungry
By Kathryn Scott

Hungry, I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry
And so I wait for You, so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus You're all this heart is living for

Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life
And so I wait for You, so I wait for You

Knowing You

There seems to be a growing derth in meaning in many contemporary praise and worship songs. Stuff like "Looking out my window / I see the trees blowing in the breeze / Looking out my window / I see the birds flying in the sky" (Planet Shakers) doesn't really do it for me. Ugh.

Okay, so maybe it's wrong to assume that just because I can't relate to these lyrics, it's a bad song. But perhaps Christian songwriters need to do some soul-searching. After all, our source of inspiration is God, who did more than create the most majestic living artworks in the universe. Our songs should strive to capture greater depth and meaning. Yes, they can be simple, as musical and lyrical accessorising run the risk of reducing a song's purity, but we do need to be mindful of at least two dangers.

1. Being simplistic
The Bible holds many basic truths. A lot of which have been sung over and over again, reincarnating themselves in words that reflect the language of the time. The ease of using familiar themes becomes a crutch. There is no end to songs with the words 'love', 'presence', 'glory', 'grace', 'awesome'. While I'm not saying this is bad, my point is that we often just limit our expressions to these themes until it feels like a nauseating rewrite of a 1990s Church Top 40 song in the latest musical fashion. Meanwhile, the temptation to rhyme also gets in the way, as words that rhyme don't always offer the best meaning. We need to be careful that we don't dilute, or worse, twist biblical truth just so our verses end in a nice rhyme.

2. Being emo. Totally
While being emo is in, we also need to remember that we worship God with our minds too, not just until the ends of our hair stand up and our hearts are flush in a warm fuzzy frenzy. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is Spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth. (John 4:23-24, NIV). Sometimes I need to be reminded of God's all-sufficient grace; His Lordship; His power; His victory over my sin and past; that He holds my future. I can't sing 'I love you Lord' when what my mind and heart really need are things like healing, comfort or forgiveness at that moment. If I need faith. If more than half the songs in a worship session mush me into a lovey dovey feeling, I think we will die a diabetic church.

If we are to write songs, let it come from the heart. Search the Bible for nuggets of untapped words, wisdom, truths. But more importantly, we need to go back to our own growth as Christians, for it is in a personal walk with God that our hearts are actually lifted up, encouraged, humbled, touched. The music and words will then flow out naturally.

KNOWING YOU
Graham Kendrick

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know You more
To be found in You and known as Yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like You in Your death, my Lord
So with You to live and never die